I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord