Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.