If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Cinematography is my passion
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE