I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Tuesday
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)