How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.