I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My new favorite headline
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.