When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I came this close!!!!
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.