Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Thinking about Jeff
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.