I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls