I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.