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No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.