A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart