I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The answer is funnier than the question
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.