ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
A French press is when you hug naked
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.