I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
RT if you could go either way.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.