That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
OKAY DAD
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I have never related to a cat more
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
This is my brand.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it