“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.