When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I love it all
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.