Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
You Might Also Like
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
me irl
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.