Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends