WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.