Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.