whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]