Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
taking June’s advice to heart
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.