King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Cashiers are always checking me out
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.