My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.