No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
This came to me in a dream.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”