WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*