The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Oh thanks BBC.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.