Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.