The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
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Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.