Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.