Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.