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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality