Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
What?!?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses