google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.