Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Two types of dogs.
Just had my nails done!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko