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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.