Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I have a new favorite meme page
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back