Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Y’all ready for this
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork