Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
is this a warning or an offer?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.