Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Sooo many times…..
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
S O O N
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
“I FIXED IT!”