me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Respect
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order