Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
back to work
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]