You are what you delete.
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If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”