computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
You Might Also Like
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*