[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops