“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent