*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly