Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
A woman drives into a bar.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.